When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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