I didn't shave. On purpose
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Success! We fucked roommates!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
