EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
