Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You took a bar mat shot.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
