im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
