nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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