awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
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