John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
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I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
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I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
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