i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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