He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
