I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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