I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
