I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
