I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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