last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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