matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
