Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
