Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
