Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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