also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
