I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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