my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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