my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize