my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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