Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
