I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
