Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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