im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
