mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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