I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
