she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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