I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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