your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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