I'm jealous of your bromance
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
