Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
