New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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