Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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