Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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