I puked a lego.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
