At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
