OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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