yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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