when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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