I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
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I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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