broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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