We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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