4 words: hood of his car
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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