you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
