Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
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she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
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I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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