I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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