I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
