He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
