We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
zippers are such a cool invention
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
